Josephine Marlin and The Alternatives Read online

  ‘You can apologise,’ said Kaz, ‘because you went too far. As always.’

  ‘Sure, you can try that,’ Ann said ignoring Kaz, which was probably for the best. ‘She won’t listen to us.’

  ‘She didn’t listen to either of you because you didn’t have all the facts did you?’

  ‘Shut up,’ Kaz whispered. ‘Here she comes.’

  ‘Over to you Jo,’ said Ann.

  ‘Ann?’ I called quietly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Have you tried sending Deb a message on the twin psychic hotline? Oo oo better still, use your “divinity”.’

  All I heard was ‘fuck you,’ as almost on cue, we heard the sound of keys rattling against the door. Then there was silence.

  I’d decided I wouldn’t bow to fear. But as that door began to open, I knew I’d have to be careful.

  ‘Hello? Pony? Are you there?’ I cautiously asked.

  I was pretty sure a low growl shook the wee covered floor. Quickly, but carefully, I somehow managed to crouch against the wall and hoped I wasn’t about to get whacked with a toilet brush again… or attacked by a giant spider, and waited.

  The Parting Gift

  As the door opened, a green light began to filter through the room. I remained crouched against the wall, so I didn’t alarm Pony. I’d remembered seeing something on the Discovery Channel about gorilla’s and submission and, while unsure if it applied here, I kept my eyes lowered and didn’t say anything else. I was hoping she’d relax because the last thing I wanted was another whack on the head. A concussion is a serious problem.

  After a few seconds, I’d had enough. No, I’m not exactly the world’s most patient person.

  ‘Hello?’ I asked quietly. ‘I don’t want to have another sleep Pony, but I’m curious why we’re here?’

  All I could hear were footsteps moving towards me at speed. They weren’t long strides, nor were they heavy stomps, no, they were short staccato steps that echoed around the room. My eyes had begun adjusting to the light, and I could make out a faint green silhouette moving towards me from the doorway. I’d just wiped my face when a splash of wee hit me as Pony neared.

  ‘Pony! It’s me, Jo!’ I called in a panic.

  I wasn’t sure what happened next. All I know is I’d slid down the wall and hit the floor with a splash. Then Pony was on my lap.

  She sat nose to nose with me and wrapped me in her arms. I had no idea what to do. I wasn’t sure if I should hug her back or if she was setting me up for something. I could feel her body shudder against my own and was certain she was crying. Her skin was cold, clammy, and slimy, with a slight greenish tinge, and a beautiful ghostly green aura surrounded her. It appeared to be emanating from her. It lit the entire room up with a bright green hue.

  My mind raced through all my usual light-hearted banter: ‘You’ve got lipstick on your teeth; that dress makes you look fat; maybe you do need a little more eye-liner around them Pony eyes so that we can call you Palomino.’

  Yeah, none of that was gonna work. All I wanted to know was if that glow came in blue.

  ‘Pony?’ I asked. ‘Do you think you could get off my lap?’

  She seemed happy where she was.

  I wasn’t sure what’d happened to her, but something had, and I didn’t think she was our Pony anymore. Putting my arms around her, I quietly rocked her for a while and took some time to try to figure out what’d happened. She felt cold, and her skin was green, so I knew she wasn’t a vampire. She was also glowing. I haven’t had much to do with ghosts before… Well, nothing to do with ghosts cause they don’t exist, but from all the old movies I’d watched, she looked like a cross between the library ghost in the first Ghost Buster movie, crossed with a modern-day depiction of a zombie, a Liv Moore zombie.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked her. I was genuinely concerned. I tried to pull my head back to get a better look, but Pony was holding me so tight I couldn’t move.

  ‘Jo,’ she said, snuggling tighter into my chest.

  She was scared, and I could feel her body shaking against mine. I thought she just wanted to be held, so I pulled her to me and tried to make her feel safe and secure before I felt brave enough to talk again.

  ‘What’s happened to you? Who did this to you?’ I asked.

  She lifted her face to mine, released the tight grip she had on me and sat up on my lap. I felt so bad for her as I watched her big yellow eyes overflow with tears.

  ‘Dool,’ she said.

  ‘What do you mean dool?’ I asked.

  Cupping my chin to grip my cheeks with one of her hands, she began to make my mouth move up and down. Very slowly Pony said dool again. I admit to having a bit of a problem keeping a straight face when she took hold of my face and used me like a puppet.

  ‘Dool?’ I asked.

  ‘Nod dool, dool,’ she said and seemed to be getting frustrated with me.

  ‘Okay, okay,’ I said. ‘Let me think this through. You’re trying to tell me what’s happened to you, right?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘It sounds like dool?’

  Pony nodded her head; it was going to be a guessing game. I knew from the first sight of her she wasn’t human anymore. Now I knew she’d been turned into something that sounded like dool. I began running through random words trying to figure it out.

  ‘Fool, drool, pool, tool, girl?’

  ‘Yep,’ Pony said.

  ‘Which one is it?’ I asked.

  ‘Dool,’ she said with a smile while wiping her nose on her sleeve.

  I was getting nowhere fast, so I tried each word separately and waited for her to say yes again. She seemed to be able to manage some words but not others. After going through the five words one at a time, it was the word ‘girl’ she chose. I only through that word in because I was running out of dool words.

  ‘Well I know you’re a girl Pony, and such a pretty one too,’ I added for safety reasons.

  ‘Nod dool, dool,’ said Pony.

  ‘All right,’ I said, trying to figure out how girl sounded like dool. ’You are gi… rl…?

  ‘Dool, dool, dool,’ Pony began saying over and over. She was sounding annoyed at me for taking so long to figure it out.

  ‘I know, why don’t you act it out? Let’s play Charades,’ I suggested.

  She smiled, moved to the centre of the room, lifted her hands and made the film action.

  ‘Film,’ I said excitedly.

  ‘What are you doing?’ asked Kaz.

  ’I’m trying to figure out what’s happened to Pony. We’re playing Charades. Why don’t you help?’ I asked.

  ‘Cause I can’t see shit.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked Kaz. ‘Pony’s glow is so bright; I can see almost everything in the room.’

  ‘What glow?’ asked Ann.

  ‘The glow lighting up the room. That glow,’ I said.

  ‘All I can see is a dull light shining in through the door,’ Ann said. ‘I can see the outline of Pony in the middle of the room, but not what she’s doing.’

  ‘What?’ I asked. ‘We’ll talk about it later, she’s just put four fingers up, so it’s a film with four words.’

  ‘Sky?’ I asked as Pony pointed upwards, she smiled and shook her head. Then began pointing to the ceiling repeatedly.

  ‘Ceiling?’ She put her hands on her hips and grimaced at me, then pointed to the ceiling again.

  ‘Sun, sky, clouds, moon, night…,’ Pony smiled and clapped her hands.

  ‘Night?’ I asked feeling like I was getting somewhere. Looking back, she signed the words, ‘of the,’ with her hands. I knew it was cheating, but it was allowed in this game. ‘Night of the… Dool… Gool… Ghouls… Night of the Ghouls?’

  Pony smiled a huge, bigger than real, glowing smile and clapped her hands.

  ‘Oh, you’re a ghoul?’ I said, feeling as though I’d just won the lotto jackpot.

  ‘Dool,’ Pony said moving back to me. She sat on my lap and snuggled in again. Pony
looked more like a ghost than a ghoul, but she seemed certain and, for the moment at least, that was all that mattered.

  ‘She’s a ghoul,’ I said to the girls. Relief was evident in my voice. Taking a deep breath, I felt we were finally getting somewhere.

  ‘It does not matter what she is,’ said Brain. ‘She is still dead.’

  ‘Thank you, Brain.’

  The relief I’d briefly felt changed to grief. Even though Pony was sitting on my lap, I realised that the Pony I knew and loved to stir was gone forever. Tears welled in my eyes again. Wiping them away with the back of my hand, I looked at her snuggling into me. I pulled her close, giving her a long tight, comforting hug. She liked that and nestled into my chest.

  ‘Who did this to you?’ I asked, trying to swallow my tears.

  She loosened her grip and pulled her head back. I drew back, unsure of what she was about to do. Looking me square in the eye, she spat out a green lump of something slimy.

  It was a big ball of slime, and it hung from her lower lip, just waving in a draft that had entered the room with her. Up until that point, I was unsure if anything could smell worse than where we were. I was wrong, so very wrong.

  The glob of slime appeared to sit on her lip for a long time, and when I thought I couldn’t take it any longer, it let go. I watched in horror as it floated in slow motion past my face, continuing its descent, until I finally heard a ‘splat’ as it landed on my jeans. It was all I could do, not to throw up. I sighed as I felt the cold radiate from it, as it slowly seeped through to my skin.

  ‘Horsey wannu wide Pony?’ She wheezed while I dry retched. Then she widened her oozing slimy mouth into that huge smile that was much bigger than her face.

  That’s when I noticed she had a tooth catching on her lower lip. The last of her teeth by the look of it. Her eyes opened wide, and I noticed her irises were missing. She had two huge yellowish whites with fully dilated pupils. Apart from these obvious blemishes, she was pretty much the same.

  Her hair was still long, flowing, and red, but her clothes and accessories had the same greenish tinge as her skin. As she walked away, I had to blink a few times, because either my eyes were still adjusting to her light or Pony was hovering in midair. With Pony off my lap, I was able to get a better view of the room, and some previous occupants by the look of it.

  I wasn’t up to date on my ghoul historiography, so at that point, I wasn’t sure if we’d all get out alive. I knew I would, she seemed to like me, but I was worried for my friends.

  ‘I see you’ve had a trial run then?’ I asked, pointing to the gooey mess lying on the floor next to Ann.

  ‘Shut up!’ Kaz hissed, making Ann cry.

  ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘I’ll shut up if Pony tells me why I’m here?’

  Before I knew what was happening, she was back on my lap with her cold green nose touching the tip of mine.

  ‘Oh,’ I said, recalling the earlier drool of slime. ‘I see you like face to face conversations. All right we’re here, you and me and we’re talking… this is good. You know you can tell me anything. So what’s the goss? How’d Horse work out for you on Saturday night? All night long like the song, or what?’

  ‘Gwaith,’ she growled.

  I wasn’t really listening; because I couldn’t get my mind off that glob of slime, her death, and the lone tooth that looked like it was locking her lips, I just went with the flow.

  ‘Slobber, slobber, growl, growl, yeah I know,’ I said with a nod. ‘I’ve been on some dates that’d make your tail stand on end. Anyway, so tell me, what’s with the chains and the room covered in wee?’

  ‘Wee,’ she slobbered.

  ‘Yeah, wee,’ I said with my eyes focusing in on her mouth again. ‘Would you like me to pull that tooth for you?’

  A dull white light gave the open door a ghostly glow. It wasn’t much, but I knew the others could see what was going on. They weren’t participating though.

  Pony moved closer and lowered her head in what I presumed to be a nod. Wiping my right wee-covered hand on her dress, before lifting it to her mouth, I took hold of the tooth with my thumb and forefinger. Taking another look to make sure she was still okay with me taking it out, I gave it a good yank.

  Pony Pulled away sharply, put both hands to her mouth and looked at me as if I’d just run over her cat. I heard Ann and Kaz’s sharp intake of breath just above the sound of what I think was Pony weeping. I looked their way just in time to see Ann close her eyes and bring her right arm up over her head to hide.

  ‘Probably worried if Pony ate me, they’d be next. Anyway, it’s not likely Ann’s arm was going to hide her from Pony, is it Brain?’

  ‘Indeed Josephine.’

  ‘I didn’t think it’d hurt,’ I said to Pony. The pleading in my voice was obvious, while Brain muttered something about the dangers of toilet brush concussion. I looked to my friends for support and quickly realised I was on my own.

  ‘Would you like me to take the tooth out?’ I asked attempting to sound much braver than I felt. ‘It’s almost out, and I think it’s stopping you from being able to talk. If I take it out, you’ll be able to tell me what’s happened to you. I’m sorry I hurt you, please come back, and let me see if I can get it. Okay?’

  Pony looked at me with huge tears in her eyes. I saw Ann peek out from under her arm to see what was going on, but Kaz had almost rolled up into a tiny ball. I didn’t even know that was possible. Hidden talents I suppose.

  ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ I continued. ‘I’d never hurt you on purpose; you know that. I just want to help.’

  ‘No hut Pony?’ she asked, while slowly walking back to where I was sitting. She gently sat on my lap.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘I won’t hurt you.’

  Snuggling into me once more, she moved her face upwards and raised her chin, giving me a better look at the tooth. It was just hanging on by a thread. One good tug would do it, but I was concerned that the thread was a nerve, and not a piece of skin.

  ‘All right,’ I said. ‘I’m going to give it a little push, then a quick pull. If it hurts, let me know, and I’ll stop for a minute, but it needs to come out.’

  ‘Okay. Jo no hut? Lub Pony?’

  ‘Yes, I love Pony and really, really don’t want to hurt you. Ready?’

  ‘Yep.’

  I carefully took hold of the tooth, gave it a push up into her gum, twisted it slightly, then pulled it down a little. I repeated the action a couple of times to bypass the resistance I felt each time I tried to pull it out. With one last push up into her gums, I heard a popping sound, and with one gentle pull, the tooth gave way.

  Once it was in my hand, I realised I’d been holding my breath and had started to shake. Pony was smiling and snuggled into me again, and I wrapped my trembling arms around her. It was more of a “thank fuck” embrace. I didn’t want to get eaten, not that she had any teeth left.

  Pulling her head back from my chest, she beamed a huge green smile, then thanked me by drooling a large glob of slime on my hand.

  ‘That’s better isn’t it?’ I said wiping the slime onto Kaz’s skirt. I know Kaz cringed but was too frightened to say anything. I smiled in her direction, even though I was unsure if she could see me.

  ‘Now,’ I said, ‘tell me what’s been happening?’

  ‘Howible,’ Pony moaned. ‘Horsey dood… Pony saddle bang bang, Horsey saddle bang bang, Horsey doe pop eveywhere. Pony wun hit, sleep.’

  ‘Popped?’ I asked, looking past her to see my mates checking out the open door. I was glad we were chained together, otherwise, those bitches would’ve left me for sure.

  ‘What do you mean, “popped”?’ I asked, looking back at her.

  ‘Pop, ther’, o ther’, Horsey,’ she said pointing to the slimy remains.

  It suddenly dawned on me that it wasn’t wee on my hands and clothes, it was Horse. I wasn’t sure if the others had realised it until I heard Ann’s shrill voice.

  ‘Ewwww,’ she said. ‘It
’s not wee!’

  ‘What the hell,’ Kaz screeched. I both felt and heard her wheezing while she pulled on her chains trying to stand up.

  I felt myself being dragged along the floor closer to Kaz. She was a lot stronger than she looked. When I looked up, I saw Ann also being pulled along the floor, holding the chain around her waist so it didn’t tighten. I did the same. Then the satisfying splash of Kaz hitting the floor made me smile as I listened to her wallowing in Horse juices.

  This situation was much worse than anything I could’ve done to Pony after a few drinks, and I didn’t think the normal things were going to make her feel better. For one, she’s now dead, and we’re sitting in her boyfriend. I couldn’t think what would be suitable to ease her pain.

  ‘Maybe she is still like the old Pony?’ asked Brain. ‘Only dead.’

  I didn’t know how long I’d been quiet, but Pony appeared to be comfortable where she was.

  ‘What happened to you?’ I asked, still cradling her in my arms.

  ‘Whathhh?’ was her slobbery reply.

  ‘Well, you’re now a ghoul. So what happened?’

  ‘Be own one moobie, Horsey be own one moobie,’ she began to repeat over and over again, then started laughing. I have no words to explain her laugh, nor my bodies reaction to it.

  ‘I think,’ said Ann, who, after Kaz’s struggle against the chains, was closer to me, ‘she means Horse had something to do with her new look.’

  ‘Yeah, no shit Sherlock,’ said Kaz, who’d finally managed to sit again.

  Ann raised her no shit, to a fuck you.

  I sent them both a look of, I see your fuck you and raise you an eat shit and die.

  ‘How’d Horse do this… to you?’ I asked waving my hands up and down the length of her body laying across my legs.

  ‘Moobie like,’ Pony said as if it was supposed to mean something. Then the inevitable happened, she smiled again and slime sprayed all over me. All I could do was wipe it off my face and watch it drip from my clothes. Pony moved to stand in the centre of the room, but it still looked like she was bobbing in the air to me.

  ‘Can be own one… can be own one… moobie like,’ she was getting frustrated, and slime was flying everywhere.